Reframing the way we view \u201cautistic traits,\u201d like directness and openness, can make dating better for just about everybody <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was walking home in the cold when I got the dreaded rejection text. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSorry, I\u2019m going to have to pass on a second date,\u201d it read. \u201cWe didn\u2019t have the chemistry I\u2019d hoped for, and I don\u2019t see us as romantically compatible.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Cue Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria: my heart rate spikes and there\u2019s a burning in my chest as everything I\u2019ve been taught to hate about myself comes into sharp focus. This only lasts about ten seconds\u2014until I can remind myself that the approval of relative strangers doesn\u2019t reflect my value as a human. But even after the alarm turns off, there is one phrase banging around my brain, driving away all other thoughts and inducing existential panic: What the fuck just happened? <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Feeling confused about social interactions is nothing new to me. As an autistic person, navigating a world built for allistic people (that is, people who aren\u2019t autistic) routinely feels like playing a game where everybody else got the rulebook and I didn\u2019t. Growing up, austistics face a higher risk of bullying and isolation, which can manifest as an ever-deepening well of self-loathing in adulthood. The differences in how we experience everything from sensory processing to social interaction are pathologized in allistic culture as \u201cautistic traits,\u201d symptoms of a disorder so broad that it encompasses seemingly every aspect of our being. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Understandably, allistic flirting can feel like a bizarre mating ritual. Eye contact, voice inflection, body language\u2014all are incredibly important, yet completely unintuitive for many autistics. And online dating forces people into a labyrinth of word choice, emoji use and rules about when to text back. By now I\u2019ve spent countless hours throwing autistic vulnerability into the digital ether, praying it impresses the little pictures of hot gays in my phone. <\/p>\n\n\n\n During my most recent endeavour, I had talked to a girl from Hinge for a few weeks while she was home for the holidays. She was really smart and the vibe was flirty\u2014I was cautiously hoping this was someone I could actually date. We made plans to meet up when she got back and, with everything on lockdown, decided to grab a hot chocolate and walk around outside. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The date itself kind of sucked. Conversation flowed nicely, but between bulky jackets and runny noses there was no room to determine or establish chemistry. After the weeks-long buildup I was disappointed, but initiated a second date because we\u2019d both tried our best in the miserable conditions, and had a good time chatting before that. Her initial response was enthusiastic: \u201cI\u2019d love to see you again!\u201d She suggested meeting up at her place. I was waiting to hear back about her schedule when she sent the rejection text instead. <\/p>\n\n\n\n In my confusion I was sure I\u2019d made some unseen error that ruined everything, so I crowdsourced advice from some autistic friends. But they were equally surprised. One was particularly reassuring: \u201cThis is just a person who doesn\u2019t know what she wants.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n My friend was probably right. Allistics are often very confusing, and everybody has the right to be unpredictable. But I still can\u2019t shake the anxiety that no matter how hard I try, I\u2019ll always be one step behind everyone else.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cAutistics tend to communicate directly and purposefully using very literal terms…Put simply: we know how to say what we mean.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote><\/figure>\n\n\n\n \u201cAllistic culture creates autistic vulnerability by framing autistic strengths as weaknesses to be pathologized, eliminated and replaced.\u201d says Ander Negrazis, a non-binary autistic registered psychotherapist whose practice focuses on helping other queer autistics. \u201cIt doesn’t just get autistic people in trouble (with neurotypicals), it also gets neurotypical people into trouble with each other.\u201d Autistics tend to communicate directly and purposefully using very literal terms, prioritizing accuracy and depth of meaning over things like small talk. When embraced, this helps us get to the root of problems far more effectively, by doing away with frivolous niceties. Put simply: we know how to say what we mean. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Allistics have a tendency to interpret this as bluntness or rudeness, stemming from a failure to \u201cread the room.\u201d Yet when they <\/em>miscommunicate key information, it\u2019s not seen as their failure. Applying unspoken rules about communication to invalidate or silence autistic viewpoints is unfortunately a function of allistic culture. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIt doesn\u2019t make any sense,\u201d Negrazis says. \u201cBut it\u2019s very normalized.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n This makes autistics rely on lessons learned through social trauma to anticipate and react to allistics\u2019 unspoken wants and needs. In my case, weeks of chatting, plus a relatively enjoyable date and encouraging follow up texts allowed me to calculate that I could feel secure about next steps. The rejection stung, sure, but suddenly realizing I\u2019d misjudged the situation was far worse\u2014it called into question my ability to handle just about any social interaction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n sitara has had similar experiences with dating. \u201cIt\u2019s just tiring to be out in the world,\u201d says the non-binary autistic artist from Toronto. \u201cIt can be difficult to understand how neurotypical people communicate \u2026 how they approach things like dating, or even connecting with people.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n sitara says they often feel the urge to put the brakes on attraction in order to avoid possible confusion or rejection, and hooking up or receiving verbal affirmation from partners does little to change that. Instead, they say, each interaction creates new opportunities for insecurity. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cNot only do I have to interpret what the other person is feeling about me, but I\u2019m going to pick apart all my behaviours, and think about how I could have done things differently,\u201d they explain. \u201cI\u2019m really harsh on myself, and I internalize the blame for things not going a certain way.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n This type of thinking can cause sitara to spiral. \u201c[I think] \u2018There could have been something here for me that was really great \u2026 Am I just sabotaging good things over and over again because I\u2019m scared?\u2019\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n Negrazis agrees it can be hard for autistic people not to blame themselves for these experiences. But, they point out, \u201cthere are enormous problems with [neurotypicals] being vague, indirect, not thinking ahead to \u2026 even know what their boundaries, limits, wants and needs are.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n This is why Negrazis teaches their autistic clients that reversing this perspective is fundamental to healing autistic trauma.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For instance, this confusion is \u201cnot because autistic people are malfunctioning in their dating,\u201d they say. \u201c[It\u2019s because] one aspect of neurotypical culture is that lack of communication, the absence of assertiveness, the absence of direct honesty.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Negrazis says rather than shrink themselves to fit allistic expectations, autistics should embrace the strengths that come with autistic traits. This level of vulnerability can often make allistics uncomfortable, but embracing it is an opportunity for them to practice empathy and learn entirely new ways of being. For example, social awkwardness is seen as a shortcoming in dating, but it’s actually a very vulnerable trait that shows someone cares deeply and is being transparent with their discomfort. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cFind people who really celebrate you and appreciate you for who you are, and delight in aspects of yourself that otherwise get shamed,\u201d says Negrazis. <\/p>\n\n\n\n And that\u2019s exactly what I did. Three days after the rejection text I met up with a new Tinder match at a weed store. We smoked at my place and hooked up after, like, 15 minutes. Fuckboy behaviour? Absolutely, drag me. But guess what: we\u2019re still dating. It\u2019s awesome.<\/p>\n\n\n\n She\u2019s not autistic, and she doesn\u2019t have to be. I found someone equally slutty who says what they mean, and understands I can only do the same. She gives me space to be confused and ask questions; she makes sure to answer clearly and always asks her own. I can tell she\u2019s listening because she turns off the ceiling light, lowers the volume to put on subtitles and traces little circles in the palm of my hand to help with sensory overload. <\/p>\n\n\n\n She also appreciates the intensity with which I show care and discomfort, and the silence that other people read as coldness. I feel safe infodumping, being goofy and going non-verbal; all parts of myself I\u2019ve been taught to hate and hide. <\/p>\n\n\n\n As exciting as it is, I\u2019m making sure to take Negrazis\u2019 final advice to heart: \u201cIt\u2019s okay to take a long time to trust somebody,\u201d they say. \u201cSetting a boundary is an act of trust, and people are very multifaceted and dynamic \u2026 meet their friends, lovers, chosen family, so you can get to know who they really are.\u201d <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Reframing the way we view \u201cautistic traits,\u201d like directness and openness, can make dating better for just about everybody<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1175,"featured_media":220033,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"editorial_slug":"11","_editorial_slug":"11","exclude_from_latest_block":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[11,12],"contributors":[2307],"topic":[87],"clients":[],"series":[],"timeliness":[58],"editorial_format":[31,34],"type-of-work":[],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/xtramagazine.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/219933"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/xtramagazine.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/xtramagazine.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xtramagazine.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1175"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xtramagazine.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=219933"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/xtramagazine.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/219933\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":219969,"href":"https:\/\/xtramagazine.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/219933\/revisions\/219969"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xtramagazine.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/220033"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/xtramagazine.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=219933"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xtramagazine.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=219933"},{"taxonomy":"contributors","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xtramagazine.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/contributors?post=219933"},{"taxonomy":"topic","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xtramagazine.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/topic?post=219933"},{"taxonomy":"clients","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xtramagazine.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/clients?post=219933"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xtramagazine.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=219933"},{"taxonomy":"timeliness","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xtramagazine.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/timeliness?post=219933"},{"taxonomy":"editorial_format","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xtramagazine.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/editorial_format?post=219933"},{"taxonomy":"type-of-work","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xtramagazine.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/type-of-work?post=219933"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
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