Kai reminds a reader to \u201cgo slowly and to only engage with activities that feel good, or at least okay\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201c<\/em>Ask Kai: Advice for the Apocalypse<\/em><\/a>\u201d is a column by Kai Cheng Thom to help you survive and thrive in a challenging world. Have a question? Email askkai@xtramagazine.com.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n Dear Sleepy, <\/p>\n\n\n\n What a tender question! Having sex for the first time is a big deal for most people, and when we bring in asexuality and non-verbality, I can certainly see why you might feel nervous. I want to acknowledge that it takes courage to explore ourselves sexually, and I\u2019d like to validate and honour that courage, Sleepy. I hope you can too. <\/p>\n\n\n\n When it comes to advice, let\u2019s begin by affirming an essential foundation of pleasurable sex\u2014that is, the right not to have it! You may already know this, Sleepy, and you mention in your letter that you\u2019re sure you\u2019d like to have sex at least once, but I do think it\u2019s worth stating here that no one should have to have sex if they don\u2019t want to. Having sex is not, contrary to popular belief, a developmental or psychological imperative for everyone; it does not make us more or less mature than anyone else; and not everyone needs it to live a rich and happy life. Sex is more important to some people and less important to others for many reasons, and every place along the spectrum of wanting or not wanting sex represents a valid way to be human. <\/p>\n\n\n\n As a somatic sex educator<\/a>, I say this to everyone who asks me about having sex when they\u2019re sure they would like to try it, but are also feeling some ambivalence or anxiety: It is important to respect your body\u2019s yeses<\/em> and nos <\/em>equally, and it is absolutely normal and quite common to feel both a yes <\/em>and a no <\/em>to sex simultaneously. In your case, Sleepy, I perceive that ambivalence when you say \u201cI want to have sex for the first time, but the thought of having sex with someone else makes me feel kinda squeamish and uncomfortable.\u201d That squeamish, uncomfortable feeling? It\u2019s your body saying no<\/em>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n When we have both a yes <\/em>and no <\/em>to sex in our bodies concurrently, a typical response is to try and force ourselves past the no<\/em>. We try to override our body\u2019s resistance by pushing ourselves harder and faster. Sometimes we try to mimic images and ideas that we\u2019ve seen in the mainstream media and pornography about how sex is \u201csupposed\u201d to be. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Most often, this does not work, at least not in the sense of getting us to the pleasurable sex that we so desire. The body, when pushed past the limit of its resistance, tends to respond by resisting harder. This is where, during sex, we often start to feel shut down, repulsed, numbed out or even physical pain. <\/p>\n\n\n\n So what\u2019s an erotic explorer to do instead of forcing ourselves to have sex when we want to try something, but some part of us is saying \u201cno?\u201d I think it begins with giving ourselves permission to stop at any time, a permission that needs to be equally held and understood with our prospective sexual partners. With that baseline established, the body often already starts to relax and open up to new physical sensations. <\/p>\n\n\n\n From there, another often helpful way of doing things is to go slowly and to only engage with activities that feel good, or at least okay. As soon as you start to feel that squeamish feeling, I would suggest that you pause and take a break. What would help that squeamish feeling to feel better? Could the sexual activity be adjusted, or would it better to move on to another one entirely? If you really want to challenge yourself and see if you can push through the squeamish feeling, I\u2019d advise waiting for no more than 10 seconds before taking a break. Sex should not have to be endured, and enduring can have the opposite of the desired effect of dropping into relaxation, and ideally, pleasure. <\/p>\n\n\n\n It can be helpful as well to remember that \u201chaving sex\u201d spans a vast range of activities and is defined in an infinite number of ways, depending on whom you ask. It is not necessary, for example, to engage in genital or anal penetration in order to think of yourself as having \u201chad sex.\u201d Many other activities such as digital stimulation (hand jobs), oral sex and others \u201ccount\u201d as having sex if you want them to. You get to define what sex is for you, and the more practice we have at taking control of our own sexual experiences and making empowered choices, the better sex tends to become. <\/p>\n\n\n\n When it comes to communication, Sleepy, it seems to me like a big part of the challenge you are facing is feeling overwhelmed and self-conscious. Of course, self-consciousness tends to be an unfortunate self-fulfilling prophecy in that the more anxious we feel about not relating \u201cproperly\u201d to others, the more likely it is that our anxiety will get in the way of having the kind of interactions we want to have. Practice in a low-stakes, nurturing environment can be immensely helpful in reducing anxiety and overwhelm when it comes to flirtation, sex and intimacy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n These days, there are lots of great, low-pressure workshops and other educational programs for adults who want to learn more about sexuality and practice setting boundaries and asking for what they want. I particularly recommend courses run or endorsed by the School of Consent<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n An advantage of group adult sexuality classes is that there is often less intensity than one-on-one work, and a lot of room to engage with exercises and lessons in a way that works for you. However, one-on-one sexuality coaching can also offer extremely valuable opportunities to practice the intricacies of flirtation and intimate communication. <\/p>\n\n\n\nHi Kai!<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
I’m asexual and a virgin, and I\u2019ve decided I want to have sex for the first time. Despite my curiosity, the thought of having sex with someone else makes me feel kinda squeamish and uncomfortable. I want to make sure that it goes well (or at least okay), but I don\u2019t really know what to do.<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
I have a lot of issues that make it difficult to communicate with people\u2014I tend to go non-verbal when distressed or excited, and stammer heavily when I\u2019m not, so I\u2019m worried I\u2019ll clam up in the middle of sex. I\u2019m also not that attractive, so finding someone to have sex with me to begin with will be hard, and there are quite a few boundaries I have (that probably seem mundane\/silly to others, but are very important to me) that I\u2019m afraid will be crossed because potential partners won\u2019t take me seriously.<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
At this point, I\u2019m looking to hire a sex worker, but my issues with communication won\u2019t just go away, and even then, I\u2019m worried I just won\u2019t like it. Is there any way to get over my sex aversion or communication issues? If not, do you have any advice for me in general? I\u2019m sure I want to have sex at least once, but not really sure how to go about it.<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Sleepy In My Bed<\/h4>\n\n\n\n